To date, no university has invited me to provide a commencement address. However, if I did receive such an honor, I’d probably give the shortest speech ever. It would go a little something like this:
“Greetings and salutations, everyone.
I know that all of you are eager to grab your diplomas and hit the road, so I will keep this brief. As you head out into the real world, just remember three simple things:
1. Try to find a job that fits your body’s clock. If you’re a night owl, work at night. If you’re more of a lark, do days. In a 24/7 world, both shifts need people who are determined, focused, creative and awake. Work against your body’s clock at your own peril. Trust me, it’ll kill you.
2. Speaking of death, every single one of you is going to die someday so try to live an obit-worthy life. Follow your passions. Work hard. Love well. And help others.
3. Always end meals with a little sweetness. A piece of chocolate. A slice of pie. Maybe some tea, with two lumps of sugar. When you finally give up the ghost, you won’t regret having done so.
Congratulations, class of 20XX. Carpe noctem!”
